Day 3- Vulnerability

As I am writing this, the song ‘Everything’ by Lifehouse is flooding my room. I want to encourage you all to listen to that song right now as you read this post, or listen to it afterwards and really pay attention to the words when you do.

I will use the beginning of this post to tell you a little bit more about myself, so that you may be able to understand me better. I am a second year college student, I play Division 1 soccer, I am in a sorority, and I am involved in 3 different church-related groups as well as a leadership group within the athletic department. If you can’t tell, I like to stay busy.

I have always written for myself. Writing is a way for me to get my thoughts and frustrations out and express myself in a productive way. I have countless word docs about stupid boys and about problems I find myself in daily. Even if the subject I am writing about is far from ‘beautiful’, the way I write it down is a way for me to express it in a more appealing way. It’s an art. The few times I have shared my journaling with close friends or family members, they have told me how much they enjoyed what I wrote and how great of a writer I am. I have been dreaming of writing for an audience of more than one for so long, and I believe now my dream is becoming reality. I am using a talent that the LORD gave me to speak on His behalf.

This morning I talked on the phone with my mom. She expressed a concern with the stress and the pressure involved with taking on this challenge. I am a very busy person, but I always manage to find time to write, so I will continue to do so. My prayer today has been to keep me humble throughout this experience. I am getting a lot more attention from this blog than I could have ever hoped for, but the attention I am getting is immediately being directed back to the Lord. He is using me to speak to hundreds, getting close to thousands of people, and that is a lot of pressure. I want to ask each of you to pray for me tonight. Pray that all of the glory from this will go to the Lord. Pray that He will lift the stress and pressure off of my shoulders so that I can speak truthfully and without hesitation for Him. Pray for my heart and pray for my readers’ hearts, that God will open them up and allow them to be accepting to whatever He has in store for them. Pray that as I write, the Lord will speak through me and that I will say what needs to be heard.

For years I have been praying to God that I would be able to change the world or to inspire the world. One of the biggest desires in my heart has always been to impact someone in some way, ever since I can remember. (On my bucket list #48 is ‘Touch someone’s life in a remarkable way’. I wrote that over 4 years ago and have yet to cross it off). The realm of my dream existed only within the sports world though. I wanted to be a star soccer player, and then use my game to speak about Him and touch young girls’ lives who looked up to me. In that situation I would be in a position of strength. My prayers are finally being answered right now but He is answering them in ways I could never have imagined. The Lord is using my life in a position of VULNERABILITY, not in a position of strength….yet because of my vulnerability I am becoming stronger than I have ever been before. Funny how God works sometimes, isn’t it?

The world sheds a negative light on vulnerability, yet we are all vulnerable in our own ways. We are taught to hide that part of who we are and to come across to others as strong and confident, but I am learning there is nothing wrong with vulnerability. In this state of vulnerability is where we can learn and grow and become strong. We are not born strong. We get our strength from the Lord.

There is not much to write about today about my challenge, for I have been inside studying most of the day. I did take a study break to go out to eat with some friends and then another study break to attend a sorority meeting, and both times stepping out in public I felt self-conscious. I am still aware that when others see me they are seeing an exposed face. When I looked in the mirror today I saw my acne and that’s just about the only thing I saw. I think that when others look at me that is the only thing they see as well. I catch some staring at me longer than socially comfortable and immediately my mind resorts to thinking they are judging the way I look. This scares me and makes me even more self-conscious. I don’t like that feeling at all. I am still subconsciously seeking that approval from the people around me. I know in my heart the only approval I need is in the Lord’s eyes, but my mind is much less easily persuaded. I am still trying to shatter this backwards view of beauty that society has created, but it will take one step at a time.