Day 27- Insecurities

Insecurities are relentless and choose to become prevalent at what seems to be the most inconvenient times. And right when I believe I have crushed them, they come flooding back stronger than before.

It is so annoyingly easy to be secure in myself when I am constantly in the Word, but when the real world surrounds me it manages to engulf me again. The same thoughts. The same mindset. The same insecurities. I don’t rationally know why I still feel this way. The devil knows my weakness and he is doing everything he can to exploit it when I am not prepared for it. Why can’t I be prepared all the time?

I am sitting here riding a bike in the rec, because I looked in the mirror tonight and decided I didn’t want to go out with my friends because I didn’t like the way I looked in my jeans. (I do my best thinking on the bike, remember?) I am so disappointed in myself. When I am frustrated I run. I’ve always turned to working out to get my mind straight about whatever is causing my frustration. My mind is a scary place on its own. If I am not careful, when I’m alone I let my mind race, and when my mind races it affects my heart. Writing relieves the thoughts in my mind so they don’t consume me.

I have always been the strong friend in the group of people I surround myself with. I’ve been through a lot so I guess I have sound advice based on my personal experiences. Trust is a big deal to me and I think others pick up on that. Through observation growing up, I have learned to always be there for a friend. For anyone for that matter. No matter what. I am one of the first people my friends call when they need someone. For any reason. I make a conscious effort to be a good listener when the only thing they need is ears or someone to confide in, and I will give my input only if needed. I discovered early on from my own experiences how vital and special it was to have a friend like that, so I decided to be that person for whomever asked. I take pride in being that for people.

Sometimes I feel like I’m stronger for other people than I am for myself. I find I am dealing with everyone else’s problems- loving every second of it, don’t get me wrong- but I’m realizing I neglect to deal with my own pressing struggles. This month was intended to be sacred time for me to finally address my issues. The issues I should not have to deal with, but deal with nonetheless. This month was my conscious effort to destroy the mindset society has placed in all of us- in me- that we are supposed to be valued for superficial qualities. We are supposed to appear to be flawless to observing eyes. And I say “appear” for a reason- no one is perfect. That much is obvious. Yet we all try to mask our flaws and portray a façade that indicates we are beautiful, happy, perfect, content. That’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. I haven’t tried to appear to be perfect for a month now. But my mind has been racing this whole time.

God has put me in a position of vulnerability, and because of that position I am in, I am attracting all sorts of people around me, people who are vulnerable just like me. Each person is a blessing in my life. For all the moments my mind has consumed me in my solitude, the Lord has shown me I am not alone. And He continues to show me every day. I don’t know why the Lord chose me. All the hard times I’ve endured in my life have been for a reason. I have been through just about as much as a twenty-year-old girl could go through, and I’ve been asking Him why my whole life. Why me? Why put me through those trials? I got through them for a reason. I am stronger because of them. I am alive at this moment despite several instances I could have not survived, for a specific reason. I can relate. I am just finding this out through this blog and through this process. The Lord gave me strength for other people. I get my strength from Him and He allows me to pass it along to others. As I am proving to not always have enough strength for myself, I am able to reflect God’s strength to other people. In turn, they have been instrumental in being strong for me. It’s funny how that works out. What the Lord pours into me I pour into others, and what I pour into others they end up pouring back into me. What a blessing that is.

A boy just walked by me in the rec, smiled, and said good job to me. Whatever reason he had for doing that only he will know. Is it weird that I feel like I’m about to cry right now? At the moments I feel weak, someone shows kindness to me. Kindness is so beautiful. I want to paint the world in kindness. Genuineness. Love. I want to paint this world in the image of God. Is that too much to ask? I want to paint myself in the image of God. Surely that isn’t asking as much as wanting to paint the world. Lord, paint me in your likeness. Cover me in your hope. Shower me with your grace. Engulf me in your everlasting love and please, please never let me go. That is my prayer tonight. I am yours. Beautiful because of you, and only you.

The Lord is continually putting people in my life when I need them the most. When I seek after Him, He provides me with meaningful friendships. I reached out to a sweet friend tonight when I was feeling down. This is the prayer he sent to me:

“Lord, please give Rachel the clarity to remember that she is made in Your image, and that it is our imperfections that make us who we are, and as your children we are loved as such. In your name, amen.”

Simple. Sweet. Powerful. My heart genuinely felt better within minutes. I thank the Lord for moments like those and the people I get to share them with. God is good, y’all.