Days 23 & 24- Second "Night Out"

Saturday night was the first night I ‘went out’ with my friends since that concert I attended at the beginning of this challenge close to 20 days ago. Uh, let’s just say my experience was completely different. I originally said no to my friend’s invitation to go out with everyone, because that isn’t really ‘my scene’ anymore. Partying is an empty happiness, and I no longer feel the need to turn to it for fulfillment. But, I wanted to spend some time with my friends I haven’t spent much time with lately, and I needed to conquer a fear of mine. Last time I went out without makeup was to that concert on the first of February, and that experience went less than well. Me then versus me now are two completely different people. I wanted to see what I could handle.

My face was completely bare. My hair was still wet (and not brushed) when I went to my friend’s house before we went out. I was going all natural (yikes). I wore a maxi skirt (boys, those are those really long skirts), a flowy sleeveless shirt, and sandals. I wore pretty dangly earrings and some bracelets. And that was it. I was content and happy with the way I looked because I was confident in myself, and I knew there are bigger and better things in the world than college boys’ opinions of my appearance. I went into this night with a completely different mindset than I did the night of the concert. I went confident that I was confident in myself. Well, I started out the night thinking that way…

Do y’all remember in the post I wrote on Valentine’s Day, about being single and how it seems like all of my friends are in or getting into relationships? I was not joking. My group of friends and I (which were basically soccer girls and basketball guys) all went to a soccer girl’s house to hang out before we went out. At one point in the night I was standing in the kitchen area and I looked around me. Boy… and girl. Boy…. and girl. Boy…. and girl. Girl … and boy. I’m not kidding when I say this: out of about 15 people I was the ONLY single person in the house. 7 couples… and me. The feeling of inadequacy blanketed me at that moment. At that moment I remembered I had no one. Granted, I am not one of those girls who have to have a boy at all times. I like my space. I am as independent as He makes them, and I love being able to do my own thing. But every person, no matter how independent, longs for someone at some point in his or her life. Why are all the people around me getting together, yet God hasn’t given me anyone?

I turned to my best friend at the moment I noticed how dreadfully single I was. I told her to look around and made the comment that I was the only single person in the house. Immediately she assured me that I wasn’t, then after looking around she realized I was not exaggerating. The only thing she could say to me was, “It’s okay Rachel.” Ha. Thanks best friend. Bless her heart, there really isn’t anything anyone could have said to make me feel better, because there’s nothing anyone can do. And I wasn’t looking for her to fix it. It was just a moment in my life where something hit me. The realization of the place I was in my life. I have been on a high for Jesus lately. He fulfills me and He is the only One I truly need for my happiness. I know that. But reality is for a few minutes I was dissatisfied. Then smiley Rachel (my favorite version of myself) came back and we went out.

We went to a bar/club (?), and I put that question mark because for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of visiting the small town of Nacogdoches, we have very limited places we can “go out”, very unlike larger college towns who have streets dedicated to night life. It was a bar, with music and a stage. I was dancing with my single friends who we met up with there and I got to talking with this random guy. He seemed interested in me and that gave me a serious ego boost. Needless to say which was much needed at that point. (Remember, I’m not wearing any makeup and I didn’t do my hair). The fact that a guy I didn’t know saw me and pursued me made me feel really great about myself. Those were very superficial feelings of worth, but that is my human nature. One boy’s attention changed the attitude I had about my life that night. I realized I’m not single because I am inadequate. I’m single because I haven’t met someone worth getting into a relationship with. He asked for my number when I really had to go to the bathroom (I know, so convenient right??) because I’m not keen on giving out my number to strangers, or to strangers I meet at bars for that matter. [Editor’s Note- In case you didn’t read my sarcasm, I did not actually have to go to the bathroom. Just making sure you’re still with me.]

I continued the rest of my night in the company of my girl friends. That encounter with that boy did two things:

1.  It made me realize that I am not single because there is something wrong with me. Yes, there are plenty of things wrong with me, but there are things wrong with everyone. God hasn’t put the right guy in my life yet. And that’s OKAY! IM 20! I have a lot of good years left in me.

      2.  It reinforced that I can easily get pulled back into the mindset of placing my worth in other people’s opinions. Self-doubt breeds that mindset. When I start feeling that way I need to turn to the Lord and remember that He has made me in His likeness, and I am fulfilled in His eyes.

                    

PATIENCE, Rachel. You are not inadequate; you are not dreadfully single. You are wonderfully single and you are so special He is saving someone just as special for you. When you are ready. I am the luckiest girl in the world because at this pivotal time in my life I have the opportunity to learn about myself and learn about my Lord, without the distraction of a boy. I have learned so much about myself throughout this experience, and I have learned so much about my Lord. I wouldn’t trade that for anything. He is molding me into the person He wants me to be. And I am praying that right now my future husband is being molded into the person He wants him to be as well. God’s timing is perfect. Be glad in your circumstances, Rachel.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” Philippians 4:11


[Editor’s Note- I wrote that last sentence before I found that Bible verse in Philippians. If you look, the Lord has advice and comfort for every situation you find yourself in. Sometimes so accurately relevant you can’t doubt that He is perfect and real and will always be there when you call upon Him.]