(Trial) Day 1

I decided to start not wearing makeup today (yes, I know it isn’t February yet) but I’m going to a concert the night of the 1^st and told myself I could wear makeup to that and then start this process. So today was kind of a ‘trial run’.

Today has been pretty hard. I look in the mirror constantly. Every time I pass a reflection I check to see how my face looks. If I still look as bad as I did the time before or if I look worse. I don’t have my makeup to hide behind anymore so I am acutely aware that I am vulnerable and that my face is exposed. I hate this. I am shying away from making eye contact with guys in public. I don’t want them to see me. With makeup on I am aware that guys find me attractive. I have been relying on that and using that to my advantage for years now. I’ve been dictating my life and my actions around my appearance and around manipulating other people’s thoughts and views of me. How shallow can I possibly be? I understand how powerful beauty is and try to use it in my favor whenever I can. I am so embarrassed to be admitting this right now. But I promised to be completely truthful and vulnerable, and this is all part of my psyche and how wrongly consumed I have become these past few years with my appearance.

At home I look in the mirror and I do not see beauty. I do not see a face that boys fawn over, and I want that soooo badly to be me. But that’s not what I see. And I strive to do whatever I can to make myself become that for guys. I want guys so badly to want me. Because when guys want me, that is how I determine my self worth. The more guys I can get to want me the more power I have and the more beautiful I feel. I like being in control and beauty is one way I can be in control. (This is how twisted my mind has become and this is why I need a radical change of heart).

I believe this stems from the guys in my past who have “screwed me over”. The guys who took advantage of me; who only sought after me because of the way I looked. The guys who eventually cast me aside for the next attractive girl who would actually give them want they wanted. The guys who never saw the person behind my makeup and the kind heart behind this wall I have built. Or saw it and decided I wasn’t good enough. I think that’s worse. The ones who I did allow to see my heart and still abandoned me for another girl who was better than me. Those experiences incorrectly taught me that beauty is the only thing that matters in this world. You can be as nice of a person as you want to be, but without beauty no guy will stay with you very long. And that’s heartbreaking because I know that is not true. It hurts because I know all of that is a lie. It sucks because my mind resulted in thinking that way because of my past experiences and I have been wounded because of them. (Now I am realizing I don’t want to be associated with guys who act/feel that way anyway).

But I am now trying to find my value and beauty in the Lord. It’s going to be a major mindset change but I am welcoming it. I don’t want to feel worthless by the world’s standards anymore. I don’t want to feel embarrassed to leave the house vulnerable. The beginning of this process will make me feel more vulnerable than I ever have before but that’s with my mindset where it is at right now. By the end of this I am praying for God to change my heart and change my mindset to not feel like I need to hide behind something so superficial as my appearance. I am praying I can grow in my relationship with God so much so that I no longer feel the need to long for an earthly man’s opinion to fill that void.

This will be a big lifestyle change for me as well. I pray for the strength and the courage to not give into the temptations that lie in the bottom of my makeup bag. I will take it off the counter by my sink and store it under my cabinet. There it will live for 28 days. Hopefully by the 28^th day I will no longer feel the urge to take it out. Hopefully by the 28^th day I will be so filled with the Lord’s acceptance and worth that I will walk in public without any makeup but with a glow around me; a glow that tells people I am comfortable and confident in my own skin because that is exactly how God made me and exactly who he wants me to be, and I won’t need any earthly lie to tell me I am not worth something.

My Background

Being called beautiful is great. Being complimented is wonderful. Guys, do NOT stop complimenting girls. But after 20 years of hearing the same compliments it has altered my psyche. Not everyone is affected like me but this is just how it has affected me personally. My mindset and my outlook on life and myself have become skewed. I am not proud of the situation I have found myself in right now so I am trying to fix it. I am trying to rely on the Lord for my value and beauty instead of the words of society. This has been something I have struggled with for years now, and after months of prayer I believe God has been putting on my heart to stop wearing makeup. I am going to give up makeup for the month of February. I am giving up the crutch that I hide behind so that I can rely solely on God for my happiness. He will use this to break me of my insecurities and find my security in Him and Him alone.

I want guys to see the beauty of my heart not the beauty of my outward appearance. I am tired of chasing those empty opinions and I am trying to focus on the opinion of the only man that truly matters.  My goal is to no longer be a distraction to many; my goal is to be adored by One.  I want for people to eventually see me so confident in myself without makeup and without the crutch of earthly things that they think to themselves, “Wow, whatever she’s doing I want that. Whatever she has I want to know where to get it.” And using this as a platform I can speak about my relationship with Christ and proudly say how He is the only reason I am the way that I am today. This is not going to be an easy 28 days. There will be ups and downs, good days and bad days, but I know that at the end of this I will come out a much better person because of it. And I will learn that in Christ and in Christ alone is where we find our true value. A Month Without Makeup started this morning.

Most of you might think to yourself, why is this girl going so public with this? Why is she sharing this deep part of her life with the world?

Well, my hope is that by me becoming completely vulnerable throughout this process, I can inspire or impact someone’s life for the better. By me exposing my deepest insecurities, and writing about my journey to find my true identity in Christ, that maybe just one person will be willing to let go of their insecurities and find their true identity in Christ as well. If I impact just one person because of this blog then I will be overjoyed. I will be learning and growing throughout this process and my prayer is that my readers will learn and grow too. I need my family of Christian brothers and sisters to keep me in their prayers. I cannot do this alone. But with everyone’s support something great will come of this.