(Trial) Day 1

I decided to start not wearing makeup today (yes, I know it isn’t February yet) but I’m going to a concert the night of the 1^st and told myself I could wear makeup to that and then start this process. So today was kind of a ‘trial run’.

Today has been pretty hard. I look in the mirror constantly. Every time I pass a reflection I check to see how my face looks. If I still look as bad as I did the time before or if I look worse. I don’t have my makeup to hide behind anymore so I am acutely aware that I am vulnerable and that my face is exposed. I hate this. I am shying away from making eye contact with guys in public. I don’t want them to see me. With makeup on I am aware that guys find me attractive. I have been relying on that and using that to my advantage for years now. I’ve been dictating my life and my actions around my appearance and around manipulating other people’s thoughts and views of me. How shallow can I possibly be? I understand how powerful beauty is and try to use it in my favor whenever I can. I am so embarrassed to be admitting this right now. But I promised to be completely truthful and vulnerable, and this is all part of my psyche and how wrongly consumed I have become these past few years with my appearance.

At home I look in the mirror and I do not see beauty. I do not see a face that boys fawn over, and I want that soooo badly to be me. But that’s not what I see. And I strive to do whatever I can to make myself become that for guys. I want guys so badly to want me. Because when guys want me, that is how I determine my self worth. The more guys I can get to want me the more power I have and the more beautiful I feel. I like being in control and beauty is one way I can be in control. (This is how twisted my mind has become and this is why I need a radical change of heart).

I believe this stems from the guys in my past who have “screwed me over”. The guys who took advantage of me; who only sought after me because of the way I looked. The guys who eventually cast me aside for the next attractive girl who would actually give them want they wanted. The guys who never saw the person behind my makeup and the kind heart behind this wall I have built. Or saw it and decided I wasn’t good enough. I think that’s worse. The ones who I did allow to see my heart and still abandoned me for another girl who was better than me. Those experiences incorrectly taught me that beauty is the only thing that matters in this world. You can be as nice of a person as you want to be, but without beauty no guy will stay with you very long. And that’s heartbreaking because I know that is not true. It hurts because I know all of that is a lie. It sucks because my mind resulted in thinking that way because of my past experiences and I have been wounded because of them. (Now I am realizing I don’t want to be associated with guys who act/feel that way anyway).

But I am now trying to find my value and beauty in the Lord. It’s going to be a major mindset change but I am welcoming it. I don’t want to feel worthless by the world’s standards anymore. I don’t want to feel embarrassed to leave the house vulnerable. The beginning of this process will make me feel more vulnerable than I ever have before but that’s with my mindset where it is at right now. By the end of this I am praying for God to change my heart and change my mindset to not feel like I need to hide behind something so superficial as my appearance. I am praying I can grow in my relationship with God so much so that I no longer feel the need to long for an earthly man’s opinion to fill that void.

This will be a big lifestyle change for me as well. I pray for the strength and the courage to not give into the temptations that lie in the bottom of my makeup bag. I will take it off the counter by my sink and store it under my cabinet. There it will live for 28 days. Hopefully by the 28^th day I will no longer feel the urge to take it out. Hopefully by the 28^th day I will be so filled with the Lord’s acceptance and worth that I will walk in public without any makeup but with a glow around me; a glow that tells people I am comfortable and confident in my own skin because that is exactly how God made me and exactly who he wants me to be, and I won’t need any earthly lie to tell me I am not worth something.