There is a recurring pattern in my life. When I am going through
something rough, I write about it as a way to vent and constructively relieve the negative feelings I've been harboring. As
I’ve mentioned before, if anyone were to get ahold of my laptop they would find
countless word documents of journals and poems about (mainly) boys. A lot are of
the same boy, but there are some random ones who have managed to make an
appearance in ‘My Documents’ as well. There is also something I have noticed
this week that I haven’t really thought a lot about until now…. when things are
going well in my life, I don’t have the urge to write. I can’t find any word
documents about any happy event that has happened in my life since I received
this computer two years ago. And this past week, if I'm being completely honest with y'all, I kind of forgot I had a blog. I didn't think about writing because I didn't have anything to write about. There was nothing I needed to vent about. Why is that?
I went to Houston this past weekend for Passion, and since I
live there I was able to spend some quality time with my family. My mom made a
comment to me that has stuck with me this week. My debit card is still linked
to my parents’ bank accounts so they can see what I spend my money on if they
wish to look. I have a habit of going shopping when I’m not feeling too great
about myself. Who doesn’t love a new outfit?? It’s a temporary solution that
makes me 'temporarily happy’, but within a month I usually end up shopping
again because it didn’t make me 'permanently happy’. [Editor’s Note- My closet
at home is completely full as well as my closet and drawers in my apartment
here at school…my guilty pleasure is clothes and shoes... oops, I’m definitely
a girl. But despite my shopping habits, I am actually pretty good with my
finances, what I spend is what I can afford to spend.] My mom inquired if I had
gone shopping lately (in the past month) already knowing the answer was “no”. I
thought about it and said that I hadn’t, and she said that was one thing that
really stuck out to her- that I haven’t dropped a lot of money on clothes in
awhile. Why is that?
One of my teammates was talking about her weight this past
week. As athletes we are very aware of how much we weigh and the composition of
our bodies are very important to us (how much fat and how much muscle we have). Our
sport is our job, and our body is the tool we use to do our job to the best of
our abilities. I have weighed myself almost every day this past year. It used
to be just to make sure I was staying hydrated and not losing or gaining too
much weight in a short period of time, but since the middle of season this past
fall it became like an addiction to me. I always
had to know how much I weighed and had to constantly make sure I had more
muscle than fat on my body. It became an obsession that ruled my conscious. In
this atmosphere of collegiate athletics, this issue is not uncommon. I realized
after my teammate made a comment about her weight that I could not recall how
much I weighed. I realized I had not weighed myself in about 3 weeks. Why is
that?
One of my oldest friends woke me up with a phone call at
1:00 in the morning last week. She told me her mom had read my one of my blog
posts and really wanted her to read
it right then. She went upstairs in the house she was in at the moment and read
my post, and it spoke to her so much she felt the need to call me to tell me.
This was the latter part of our conversation:
She asked me, “Are you happy?” to which I replied, “Yes I am
happy.” Then she said, “Are you content? You seem really happy and content”. I
laughed and responded, “Yes I really am content right now. It’s weird to
explain but since I started this blog I have just been at such a peace with
myself. I truly am happy with my life right now.”
She said, “Yeah I noticed. That’s awesome.”
There was a lot more to our conversation before those words
and after, but what struck me was that I haven’t seen this friend since Winter
Break. She said she noticed the change in my demeanor through my blog and
through my tweets. She could just tell there was something different about me
solely based on social media, even when she was a state away. Why is that?
I had a brief conversation with a friend this week in which
my blog was brought up. She mentioned to me how she has seen a change in the
way I carried myself since I decided to start this challenge. (A group of girls
and I meet once a week with a mentor to keep each other accountable in our walk
with Christ and to read the Word together). One of the girls mentioned that I seemed
happier, that she noticed I was more open to the group than I had been
previously, and then all concurred almost at once. The people around me have
been noticing changes in me on the outside, as I have been noticing the changes
in me on the inside. Why is that?
I believe your heart
has a direct correlation to your life.
I’ve mentioned this verse in one of my previous posts, but
there is so much truth to it that I notice in my life almost daily. Proverbs
4:23 states,
“Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the
course of your life” (NLT)
Or another version of this verse says,
“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the
springs of life” (ESV)
Whatever is going on deep down inside your heart, it
directly reflects the way you live your life. I started this challenge trying
to find my identity and value in Christ instead of relying on others’ opinions
regarding my appearance. The Lord has changed my heart, and now I not only see
that I am beautiful in Christ’s eyes, but I see that I am completely fulfilled
in His arms. I no longer feel the need to vent to my computer about issues in
my life. I no longer find myself craving a new outfit to make me feel better
about myself. I am no longer constantly weighing myself trying to make sure I
live up to a certain standard. I am no longer turning to makeup to relieve my
self-consciousness. The Lord is changing my heart, y’all, and He is now
changing every aspect of my life… AND
PEOPLE ARE NOTICING!
I re-read all of my blog posts yesterday starting from the
very first one. I didn’t even recognize the girl whose words filled my screen.
She was so broken, she was so uneasy, so lost.
I felt like I was reading someone else’s life. And that scares me because I had
felt that way since my freshman year of college 19 months ago, and I didn’t
even know it because that’s what I had become used to. Mediocrity had become my reality. I thought I was happy. I
thought I had everything put together. I thought I had my life under control.
Sure, things didn’t feel completely perfect, but that’s normal. I was living my
life for myself. And I was going nowhere fast.
Being a Christian doesn’t mean your life magically becomes
perfect. I know plenty of believers whose lives became worse after they
accepted Christ. The Lord doesn’t promise that all of our problems will go
away, but He does promise we will have someone to help us get through them. My
life has been far from perfect, and I will struggle every day battling my inner
demons. But the Lord says I don’t have to battle them alone. In Him I find my
strength. In Him I find my peace. In Him I find my worth. There is nothing I
cannot do if I have Christ in my heart. Because when Christ is in my heart, He
flows through me and into every aspect of my life. My heart determines the
course of my life, and with Christ at the center there is nothing I cannot
conquer.
We all tend to turn to the Lord when we need something from
Him, as we find ourselves doing with certain friends of ours. We often forget
to praise Him in our triumphs. You communicate with your true friends during the good
and during the bad. Don’t forget to talk to God even when things are going well in your life. Thank Him for the good and thank Him for the bad. Relationships become stronger
the more time you spend on them. Spend time on your relationship with the Lord. I'm delightfully surprised at the direct correlation between my prayer and devotional time I spend with my Lord, and the peace and joy I feel in my heart. GOD IS GOOD, Y'ALL.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”
Philippians 4:13
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